But it seems that in the past men think, no, no, yes and allow a sense different from the allowed public and religious morality.Remember how in "Anna Karenina" Levin hears the cries of his wife, Kitty, suffer in childbirth, "head leaning against the doorpost, he stood in the next room and heard someone never heard them scream, roar, and he knew that it screamedwhat had been Kitty.Already as a child he had not wanted to.By now he loathed this child.He did not even wish for her life now, he wanted only to stop these terrible suffering. "And even when the newborn son of the hero show, he does not feel any emotion or tenderness at the sight of the red-faced "kusochkamyasa."
Leo Tolstoy , already the father of thirteen children, Levine put in so much myself that such a move seems very bold public recognition.And indeed - the fathers denied purely female physiological mechanism: immediately after birth in the mother takes a powerful hormone output, causes the body to forget the discomfort and feel joyful f
Do not blame the insensitivity future father, who was afraid of the changes taking place with the woman, and while attending his father in the upbringing of the child.Men, on the contrary, sometimes too sensitive and susceptible to the condition of the expectant mother to the extent that they themselves are experiencing morning sickness, pelvic pain and even fattening.This so-called "sympathetic pregnancy."French doctors call this condition "couvade syndrome" (from the French. Couver - «hatch chicks").By the way, in their opinion, men who have experienced pregnancy girlfriend or wife as his own, becoming the most quivering and attentive fathers.
However father involvement in child care in pregnancy and childbirth there is a downside: it can take too much to heart the suffering of life partner during childbirth, and just can not bear to put it mildly, unappetizing spectacle.Subsequently, it could affect his relationship with a child who has no idea what caused the suffering of the family of one fact of its appearance."Paternal Instinct" (it is not clear whether it exists at all) is not included on the fact of the birth of a new man, even on the contrary - may be turned off.And to predict exactly how it will be with this or that particular man, it is quite difficult.By the way, a curious thing: the French pediatrician Michelle Lyakosse more than a decade studying the appearance of newborns and concluded that at such a tender age, the child most like his father, and only three years it manifested maternal traits.According to experts, it is a trick of nature - so Dad took the baby in his arms, he could be quite sure that this is his child, and it is easy to fall in love.If this is true, then the "paternal instinct" and paternal love - things the acquired rather social, rather than biological.While the need to continue itself in the offspring, of course, natural, strongly associated with the fear of death and a desire for physical immortality.And it was with this desire in men, as a rule, all right: not by chance that many of them, for example, like to be a sperm donor.However, the child should not only conceive, but also to grow - and the problems begin at this stage.
Institute paternity emerged at the dawn of a patriarchal culture and the emergence of private property accumulated wealth should have someone to pass, so that fathers have become vital and valuable children, especially sons.Monogamous marriage and the cult of adultery - is also the invention of about the same times: after all, to convey something by inheritance, a man must be sure that the successor - his own child, his flesh and blood.Becoming a father - meant to acquire a certain status and position in society, and childlessness was considered a disgrace.However, before the stronger sex was necessary to create and save the fact that he will be transferred, and then take care of the successor.That is, first - to build a house and plant a tree, and only in third place - to raise a son.
It is this conviction guided by modern men prefer in the first place to build a career, gain financial and social stability, and then start a family and spend rest of the time to attend his father in the upbringing of the child.However, they overlook the fact that in the past, marriages were usually quite early, but the career of the fathers of the family that did not stop.They just did not take care of children - is considered the prerogative of mothers, and those, if they had the opportunity, prefer to use the services of wet nurses, nannies and governesses.Fathers also considered "getters", their task was - to provide family, "the children in no need" (and now many men believe so).
Essentially , on the active participation of fathers in raising children spoke only in the XX century.In the 50 years in the United States published a book under the significant title: "Fathers - the parents too."Psychologists have started to write about what your child at every stage of their lives, both parents are required, including the famous Erich Fromm in his "Art of Love": "A mature man combines his love of mother and father's mind, despite the fact that they seemedI would be opposite to each other.If he had only his father's mind, he would be evil and inhuman.If he had only maternal consciousness, he would be inclined to a loss of sound judgment and would prevent yourself and others in development. "In other words, love and moms and dads want the child to learn to love yourself: do not blindly, as the mother, and not demanding, as a father.
But fathers are not born, and if the education of girls is largely intended to strengthen its motherly, a boy, as a rule, do not explain how to be fathers.Future men rarely play the daughters and mothers, except sporadically and compulsively.They often do not offer the dolls and cars and soldiers.It would seem that everything is logical: Boy oriented career, and the girl - a family.In today's world everything is made much more difficult, and the family, like many others, is becoming a matter of both partners.And mom and dad can change baby diapers, take a walk with him, read a bedtime story, help with homework, as well as to supplement the family budget.Now it becomes more difficult to carve out a specific, namely the paternal function.However, it is and it does not erase any changes in social relations to attend his father in the upbringing of the child.
'll be third?
Although the boys in childhood do not pass "the lessons of fatherhood," they do understand - in their own way - what it means to be a father, and this is the example of their own parents.In it, they learn not only how to handle the child, but also the relationship with his future wife - it depends on how my father treated his mother.But, by the way, the father in this case - is not necessarily a biological parent or step-father.It can be any shape other than the parent, which is projected onto the child needs a father.And this demand is always there.
Loving father a child is essential for its successful psychological development.In the absence of a father in his role can serve anyone - men, women, friends.Most often, this may be the people who are close to her mother: grandparents, godparents - someone who initially able to identify the child as a mother is not. "And then I grew up a child may not be very important personal experience and direct example of fatherhood. "In other words, the hero Beigbeder, which was discussed earlier in this article, is an example of a man who confesses his psychological unpreparedness and inability to become a father."Somebody third" - the father appears in a child's life, only just beginning to realize that he no longer is integral with the mother.This is much earlier than it might seem - at the age of 5 - 9 months.In psychology, this process is called triangulation early when the dyad "mother - child" is replaced by the triad of "child - parents."
At a later stage (1 - 3 years) - so-called "preoedipal" - the child understands more clearly that, apart from him, in the world there are other people, other relationships.And it was the father (or figure, his replacement) plays a child's sense of "alone" lead.It determines how the father of a boy who grew up to be, and if he wants to be a father at all.It is only important to realize that the baby needs in the manifestations of the Father's love is not less than the parent, and it has no relation to the famous "to ensure the family" - because the kid has no idea what money is and why they are needed.But he understands what love and attention.
key function of the father is to help your child be separated from his mother, learn how to live their own, autonomous life.The best thing a father can do for your child - is to give it the resources necessary for its development: to give him time to play with him, to help cope with the feelings that he is unable to "digest" their own.And also through his relationship with his mother to show your child how he conduct themselves with it, particularly in those cases, if it disappoints, frustrates.The father may even create a situation where the mother becomes "the excluded middle."The fact that many mothers are tied to the child itself, and then the father of place, he did not win the competition with the emotional mother, as if it does not.It is an unconscious collusion between mother and child against the pope, and then he becomes "the excluded middle."But if the father takes the initiative, establishing contact with a child, the baby can later seek emotional support to him, when the mother is unable to provide the required his child.All this helps the child to understand and the world of men and the world of women, and identified with his mother and father, but the main thing that makes a child, he absorbs the nature of the relationship between the parents.
This ability to be the third in a relationship - that's what is most needed the boy grew up, when the beloved woman will say to him: "My dear, we will have a child."The fear of the emergence of some third party, anger and frustration in it (disgust at the sight of the birth process and get a result of "lump of meat") indicates that a child is not a man just passed until the end of the path of separation from the mother has not learned to joinin a relationship in which more than two participants.Especially if this strange and frightening for a third time will be the main favorite in the life.Many men can make communication "on the side" during pregnancy or the postpartum period wife - they feel that way about her care.They leave the child "a good enough mother ', but deprive themselves of the wife and the mistress in her face.It's their way of coping with the situation with which they can not cope psychologically.Find yourself another woman, they create inverted situation where not a man with a child competes for the attention of his mother, and the two women compete for it.
school young father
In XX century is the "inability to be a third" - a common problem of generations deprived of not only traditional methods of male initiation and transmission of his father's experience from the pope for his son, but often the very possibility of dialogue between the father andson.Two world wars and many other disasters seriously thinned male population.So the catch phrase of "Fight Club", "We - a generation of men, educated women" - in our latitudes is not true for a generation.Sometimes such men can not get out of relationships "mother - child" over a lifetime.
But this does not mean that part of the stronger sex is necessary to prohibit by law all have children.Just in case of paternity becomes conscious - with or without a therapist.Much depends on the behavior of the future mother, her ability to connect tactfully loved the process of waiting child and care for it, and explain how and why the baby needs.
Conscious same paternity for the modern man, according to American psychologists, is based on three pillars: participation, persistence and awareness.Participation - is the involvement of the father in a child's life, the desire to do something together with him, his availability to the child and the responsibility for it.Persistence is important for the baby as long as it indicates the presence of his father with him, if not every minute, in some guaranteed time intervals.Finally, awareness involves not only knowledge of the child of development and the current situation of his affairs, but also dedicated in his inner life, the knowledge of the secrets that the child can trust his father.Perhaps, if a man is ready to give it all to the heir, he can really become a good father, at least, will strive to do so.
Statistics show that men are now gradually returning to the family: studies show that in the West, the pope now spend more time with their children, 20 - 30 years ago.Fatherhood, ceased to be just a biological necessity, transformed into a consciously cultivate the ability to - it would wish.